Pain of Category

A heterosexual woman is typically described as one that can only be attracted to people of man genders/bodies. But heteros beware, just as a heterosexual man is not attracted to ALL women, the heterosexual woman is not attracted to ALL men! It doesn’t make sense to define your sexuality by gender if you only fuck like .0000001% of the members of the opposite sex on hand at a given moment. This is why I am calling on all heteros to make a committment to being attracted to ALL of the people who fall under the category of the opposite sex.

A pansexual person is typically described as one that potentially could be attracted to people of any gender. Again, my argument stands, categorizing sexuality by gender as a pansexual is even more pointless, and also hurtful to the 99.9999% of us who the pansexual won’t make love to.

Instead of committing to having sex with all men, all women, or all everybody, we could determine our sexual preferences (in advance, before experiencing every possibility) by more meaningful categories. According to popular men’s magazine Maxim, the qualities that (heterosexual) women find most attractive in 2016 are:

1. Faithfulness sexiness

3. Sense of humorsexiness

4. Kindnesssexiness

2. Family-mindednesssexiness


5. Dad bod.sexiness

There you have it, 5 new and improved sexual categories. Me, I am “patriformsexual”. Unfortunately sometimes dad bodies feel demeaned when I say I am only attracted to (ALL!!!) people with dad bodies, that I have a fetish, and that I don’t like them for who they are as dads or whatever they are. These hetero hypocrites don’t see anything wrong with their women fetishes. As though all women were the same. Lord knows the conversations I endure while gazing down the sweet black honey pot that is the dad bod’s navel. As the common patriformsexual saying goes, there’s light at the BEGGINING of the tunnel!